Do you ever feel like connecting with people is a struggle? Maybe when you finally had a moment to reconnect with the important people in your life, you weren’t sure where to begin. Whether you found communication easy in the past and are finding yourself out of practice or you have always struggled to understand others or have others understand you, there are ways to improve your approach that will help you get more out of your time with others.

Communication is Learned

Changing and adapting to new situations is a continuous part of life. Communication is learned over time. This means that you can also learn how to do things differently. Everyone learns how to communicate by watching and interacting with others. Consider the ways your communication has changed over time: The way you communicated as a child or teenager is likely very different from the way you communicate with people now. You’ve changed and adapted your behavior based on your experiences. You repeated what worked and changed what didn’t. Even if you didn’t have the best examples, the good news is that it is never too late to learn how to modify your communication style to be more effective. 

Changing the ways you communicate with other people can feel odd at first. Sometimes it might even feel as if you’re not being honest or genuine if you don’t just say what’s on your mind, unfiltered.  But in many ways, reflecting on how and what you want to communicate allows you to more confidently express how you feel in ways that are true to who you are and to the relationship, rather than allowing the emotion of the moment to lead you to say things you later regret or realize you don’t really believe. 

How to Improve Communication and Relationships

Changing behavior usually consists of figuring out what does and doesn’t work, then doing less of what doesn’t work and more of what does. The first step in behavior change is usually to stop doing what isn’t working. After that, you can focus on doing more of what works. 

If you struggle to connect and build fulfilling relationships, you may be falling into one or more of the following common communication traps. If you fall into any of these traps repeatedly over time, it can damage relationships and make others less likely to want to spend time with you in the future.

Common Communication Traps:

1. Making Assumptions (AKA “Mind Reading”)

What it is: Assuming you know how the other person feels or why they did something when they have not explicitly told you how they feel or their motivation for doing something. This trap happens most often when we have known someone for a while or our guesses about how people feel or why they act the way they do have often been correct in the past.

Why it’s a problem:  We cannot know how someone else thinks, feels, or what their intentions are with 100% accuracy. Additionally, people often wish to express their thoughts and feelings to another person as a part of processing their experiences. Even if you are correct about their thoughts and feelings, not allowing them the space to share them can create emotional distance. If your assumptions are not correct, they may feel frustrated and disconnected, and be less likely to talk to you about their experiences in the future.

2. Making it about you (too soon)

What it is: sharing similar experiences you have had or how you feel before allowing the other person to fully explain their own thoughts and feelings

Why it’s a problem: Sharing your experiences before allowing the other person to fully express their own thoughts and feelings shifts the focus from their thoughts and feelings to yours, rather than providing space for them to express their own reactions (which is usually one of their main reasons for sharing the information). When someone doesn’t feel heard, they are less likely to be able to hear and make space for your thoughts and feelings. This can create a vicious cycle that doesn’t work for anyone.

3. Unsolicited Advice (“You should…”)

What it is: telling someone what to do to solve their problem or concern when they have not explicitly asked for advice. E.g., “You should…” or “All you need to do is…”

Why it’s a problem: People often share problems to get emotional support, rather than to be told what to do. Getting unsolicited advice can also feel condescending and parental, which is not an ideal dynamic in friendships or romantic relationships.

4. Premature Problem-solving

What it is: offering possible solutions to the expressed concern when the person has not explicitly asked for solutions

Why it’s a problem: Most people have spent a lot of time and effort thinking about and trying to solve a problem before bringing it up to others. When someone jumps into problem-solving without taking time to learn more details about the problem, what has been tried, or what the person wants from the conversation, at best, the solutions are often too general or obvious to be helpful. At worst, premature problem-solving may feel insulting and discouraging to other person.

5. Invalidation

What it is: This happens when your words and actions intentionally or unintentionally suggest that you think the other person’s emotional experiences are wrong (invalid). Common examples are statements such as “You’re being dramatic” or “Stop overreacting” or “That doesn’t make any sense.”

Why it’s a problem: There is no one “right” way to feel. People do not choose what or how intensely they experience emotions. While there are things that people can think and do that intensify emotions, it is unhelpful and damaging to emotional connection to suggest that the way someone feels is not valid. Doing so is likely to discourage them from sharing their feelings with you in the future. You can read more about the impact of invalidation here. 

6. Treating emotions and thoughts as a choice

What it is: Telling someone to stop feeling the way they feel or to feel or think a different way. E.g., “You should be happy because…” or “Don’t be sad…” or “Don’t think about that.”

Why it’s a problem: Our initial emotional responses and thoughts are largely automatic, so communication suggesting that someone can turn their emotions on or off like a light switch or choose not to have certain thoughts can trigger feelings of frustration and disconnection in the other person. This makes them less likely to turn to you for emotional support in the future.

Side note: While initial emotional reactions and thoughts are largely automatic, how someone acts on that emotion is changeable. For more on this, check out this post.

7. Focusing on only part of the information (usually the words)

What it is: This happens when we don’t include all the information the other person is giving us (verbally and nonverbally). For example, focusing on someone’s words when their behavior doesn’t match. E.g., someone saying “I’m fine” while they are crying or who glares at you and yells “I am not mad.”  

Why it’s a problem: Nonverbal communication is an important part of almost every conversation. If someone’s nonverbal and verbal information conflicts, your response will be most effective if you consider both sources of information. In the examples above, the combination of the nonverbal and verbal communication is likely that they are upset and do not wish to talk about it right no. 

8. Not giving your full attention

What it is: Multitasking during conversations (e.g., while using the phone, computer, working, driving, playing a game)

Why it’s a problem: We are all guilty of half-listening to other people sometimes. Even if you can quote the person back exactly what they’ve said, the nonverbal action of not giving your full attention typically has a negative impact.  Being on the computer, phone, watching TV, or reading a book while someone is talking to you sends them communicates that either the conversation is not important enough to warrant your full attention or that the other task you are doing is more important than the conversation. You are also likely to miss some of the verbal and nonverbal information being communicated, as human beings are generally not great at multitasking cognitively demanding tasks. 

9. Having important conversations via text or email

What it is: using text, instant messaging, or email to discuss important, emotionally sensitive topics

Why it’s a problem: While we all use digital methods to communicate with other people, when we express negative emotions digitally, there is important nonverbal behavior that is left out (e.g., facial expression, tone of voice). This increases the likelihood of miscommunication (even if you use emojis ).  

10. Fortune Telling

What it is: Anticipating the outcome when a communication pattern becomes repeatative. 

Why it’s a problem: Fortune telling can keep you stuck in an ineffective communication pattern and get in the way of seeing changes and specific situational factors that are contributing to the pattern for both you and the other person. To change a pattern, you need to do something differently and notice when others do something differently.

11. Confusing being genuine with unfiltered honesty

What it is: believing if you don’t share what you think and feel exactly as you think and feel it is a form of being dishonest or “fake.”

Why it’s a problem: Sharing your thoughts and feelings “live” puts you at risk of the emotion of the moment leading you to say things you later regret or that you don’t truly believe. Being thoughtful about the words you use allows you to communicate more accurately, not less. Taking time to consider what you say allows you to communicate in ways that are both true to who you are and to the relationship. Not considering the impact of what you say on other people sends the message that you do not care how what you say impacts them. If this happens often, they will likely begin to feel that you do not care about them, their feelings, or your relationship with them.

12. Free association conversations

What it is: Not thinking about what you want or need from a conversation ahead of time.

Why it’s a problem: Entering a conversation without an idea of what you are looking for can lead to confusion or frustration for you and the other person. It can also result in repeated, unfulfilling conversations and feeling misunderstood.

13. Leaving out the emotions.

What it is: sharing the facts about an important experience without including the emotional impact it had on you. 

Why it’s a problem: Without knowing the emotional impact an experience had on you, the other person is left to guess about why you are sharing the experience with them and what you might want or need from them.

How to Improve Communication (What to Do More)

One of the most important steps in effective communication is to determine the function or purpose of doing so. If you focus first on understanding the other person’s perspective and goals for the conversation, rather than devising a response, you will already avoid many of the above-mentioned communication traps. Common functions of communication are: expressing or processing thoughts and feelings, connecting with others, or requesting assistance or information. Being aware of what you want out of the interaction (and what others want from you) can drastically impact the way the interaction goes.

Think About What You Want or Need from the Conversation

The clearer you are about what you want or need from a conversation, the more likely you are to have your needs met. This can also prevent you from being on the receiving end of communication traps, such as unsolicited advice and premature problem-solving. E.g., “I need some help figuring out what to do…” or “I had a really hard day, and I need to tell someone about it.”

Notice Nonverbal Communication

Our bodies and faces send messages long before we open our mouths. Humans and animals alike have evolved to notice nonverbal communication to both foster communication and monitor threats. We are all constantly sending off signals about how we are feeling with our posture, movements, and facial expressions. The more aware you are of your own and others’ nonverbal communication, the more accurately you can represent yourself and understand others.

Tone of voice and context are also very important sources of information. For example, if I walk into a room and state “I’m thirsty” I may be requesting someone get me water, informing others I am in the room to procure a beverage, or trying to determine if others are also thirsty and may wish to join me for a drink. How other people interpret my statement will be based on a combination of their experiences interacting with me, my tone of voice and body language, what I do while or after making the statement, and their past interactions with other people.

If I say “I’m thirsty” to someone who works for me, they may view the statement as an order to get me a drink. If I work for them, they may perceive I am asking permission to take a break. If they are my friend and I say it close to a break or end of the workday, they may view it as an invitation to get drinks together. If I am actively walking toward the coffee maker and say it under my breath, people may assume I do not expect a response at all.

Practice Reflective Listening

People often spend time during conversations thinking about what they will say next or experiences they have had that are similar to those being described by the other person. While it is important to be thoughtful in our responses and similar life experiences can help us connect with others, effective communication and connection requires we hear and understand the other person’s perspective before sharing our own.

Consider how you felt the last time you had an unfulfilling conversation, one that made you feel disconnected or upset. What thoughts and feelings were you having? Did you feel lonely, frustrated, unseen, or misunderstood? Perhaps you had thoughts such as “they just don’t get it,” “they weren’t even listening to me,” or “what is wrong with me?” 

Reflective listening is the skill of responding to your conversation partner with a summary of what you hear them saying. This can be an exact “parrot” back of what they said, a paraphrase/ “gist,” or a statement about a combination of what they said and what you noticed about their nonverbal communication. For example, if someone is crying and says “I am so mad at them!” you might say something like “You’re really mad and hurt.”

Try Validation

Sharing positive and difficult emotional experiences brings people together and allows us to celebrate and support each other as human beings. Most people want their emotions to be predictable and to make sense. Enter validation. Validation occurs when you indicate that your own or someone else’s thoughts, feelings, or sensations are valid. Even if you don’t feel or think the same way, validation is an important way to let the other person know you are paying attention and putting effort into understanding their experiences.  For example, even if I am feeling hot, I can acknowledge that another person in the same room may feel cold. 

Implement Non-directive Sharing

Knowing other people have had similar experiences can be very validating and connecting. Sharing your experiences with others is most helpful after you hear and understand their experiences and when you share your experiences in a way that is not directly giving advice or telling them what to do (unless they ask!). If you had a different emotional reaction to a similar situation, remember that there are many valid reactions to similar experiences. For example, is someone loses their job, they may feel angry, sad, scared, or even relieved. 

Engage in Perspective-taking

Because we all spend most of our time inside our own heads, it can be difficult to shift focus and consider what is going on for other people. Allowing yourself to reflect on what you know and can observe about the other person can help you activate a sense of curiosity and modify your communication approach to one that is more likely to result in a positive experience. Consider not only how your day/week/month has been, but also how theirs may have been. Consider the impact of what you are communicating from their perspective before sharing your thoughts and feelings. You can be honest and true to yourself while also being mindful of the impact your words have on others and the relationship.

Use Curiosity and the Assumption of Validity

One of the most helpful approaches to take in any conversation is one of curiosity. If you aim to get a better understanding of how the other person feels and why, you will naturally engage in reflective listening. If you assume that their response makes sense if you have all of the relevant information, then you will be much more likely to respond in a validating way. If you feel confused about someone’s response, it’s okay to ask them questions or ask what would be the most helpful thing for you to do (e.g., listen, validate, offer advice, problem solving, etc.).

Don’t Forget the Emotion

If someone else is sharing with you and they do not include how they felt, ask about the emotion. When you are speaking with someone about experiences that impact you emotionally, make sure to include the emotion. This prevents inaccurate assumptions and can also make it more likely for you or them to get what is needed from the conversation. 

Below, I have outlined common communication traps and strategies to use to avoid them.

Key Takeaways:

Don’t:

1. Assume you know how someone feels or why they acted the way they did
2. Share your experiences before learning more about theirs
3. Give unsolicited advice
4. Jump straight to problem-solving (unless asked)
5. Tell someone their feelings are wrong
6. Assume emotional reactions are a choice
7. Ignore nonverbal communication, such as body language, facial expressions, and tone of voice
8. Multi-task or think about your response while the other person is talking.
9. Have hard or important conversations via text or email
10. Assume you know what the other person will say or do next or how a conversation will go
11. Speak without consideration of the impact it could have on the other person

Do:

1. Reflect back what you hear them say. Reflective Listening is a great way to show you are paying attention and care about the other person’s experiences and perspective.
2. Practice being curious about the other person. This reduces the likelihood of many of the common communication mistakes people make.
3. Focus on understanding the other person’s experience before sharing your own. When you share your experience, focus on what you found helpful, rather than giving advice or telling them what to do (unless they ask).
4. Ask permission before giving advice or engaging in problem-solving. People often want to share their thoughts and feelings before engaging in problem-solving or getting advice.
5. Believe what the other person shares about their experience. Remember that there can be many valid responses to the same situation.
6. Assume the other person’s experiences and emotions make sense. If you are confused, ask questions with the assumption that it will make sense with more information.
7. Pay attention to nonverbal communication. A person’s tone of voice, facial expressions, and body language can give you important information about how they are thinking and feeling before and during a conversation.
8. Plan to have important conversations in person (or via video). Defer text or email conversations that become emotional or ineffective until you can talk via phone, video, or in person.
9. Give them your full attention. Focus is an important part of collecting relevant verbal and nonverbal information. 
10. “Put yourself in someone else’s shoes.” Perspective-taking can help you connect with and understand and validate other people.
11. Consider the impact what you say may have on the other person and your relationship with them. Being thoughtful shows you value the relationship and accurately communicating your thoughts and feelings.

Practice, Practice, Practice

Changing the way you communicate can be difficult. You have probably spent a lot of time repeating the patterns you want to change, so it will take some time and intentional practice to change those habits. If you recognize you are engaging in one or more communication traps, try focusing on changing one at a time.

If you would like support improving your communication and closeness with others, I would be happy to provide you with support. You can request a free phone consultation or reach out to me via phone or email below