What is Invalidation?

Have you ever had interactions that have left you feeling unseen, misunderstood? Maybe you have even felt as if your thoughts, feelings, or desires are somehow wrong. This emotional feedback is often a sign that you have experienced invalidation. Generally speaking, to invalidate is to prove something is “wrong” or not valid.¹

In the context of emotions, the term “invalidation” refers to when someone directly or indirectly tells another person that their internal experiences are wrong. Because we are the only ones who have access to our thoughts, feelings, physical sensations, we are the only ones who can accurately speak to those experiences. No one can tell us what we were thinking, why we did or didn’t do something, or how happy, sad, or hurt we feel because they do not have access to the information necessary to make that determination.

Invalidation often begins during childhood. For example, if a young child is despondent about a favorite toy breaking, their (likely sleep deprived) caregiver might say “You have tons of toys, just go play with another toy” or “Don’t be sad. I’ll get you a new one.” While the caregiver is likely trying to make the child feel better, these responses imply that the emotion is unwarranted (i.e., you shouldn’t be sad because…), emotions are under the child’s control (i.e., just decide not to “be sad”), or the child’s emotions should resolve as soon as a solution to the distressing event has been identified (i.e., getting a new toy). Because emotions do not resolve because others do not understand or agree with them, when we or others tell them to, or the moment a future solution is identified, these are examples of (likely unintentional) invalidation of the child’s valid emotional experience (i.e., sadness about a loved toy breaking).

How to Identify Invalidation

In adults, invalidation can range from subtle to obvious.  Below are some common invalidating actions and phrases we have all likely experienced more than once in life.

Examples of Non-verbal Invalidation

• Tuning out or ignoring someone trying to have a conversation with you
• Multi-tasking during an important conversation (e.g., scrolling on the phone, typing on the computer, etc.)
• Rolling you eyes or letting out a big sigh when someone asks to share your thoughts or feelings
• Frowning or shaking your head when someone express happiness, excitement, or other positive emotions
• Smiling or laughing when someone is upset, hurt, or struggling
• Continuing behavior another has expressed is hurtful. For example, continuing to use a nickname after they’ve asked you to stop or refusing to use their chosen name or pronouns

Examples of Verbal Invalidation

• “Suck it up”
• “It is what it is”
• “Real boys/men/girls/women/soldiers don’t cry”
• “Just think happy thoughts”
• “Just be happy”
• “Don’t feel sad”
• “It could be worse/It could’ve been worse”
• “Let it go”
• “Just don’t think about it”
• “You’re overreacting”
• “You did this because you wanted to make me upset/to hurt me/because you don’t care about me”
• “You shouldn’t be upset”
• “Don’t be dramatic”
• “Your sibling/past partners/other people didn’t have this much trouble moving on after a break-up/ worry this much when I didn’t call/get this upset when I canceled plans”

Why Does Invalidation Happen?

Invalidation is often not intentional. We are all guilty of invalidating others from time to time. People who have different emotional reaction to a shared or similar experience or who feels uncomfortable, confused, or frustrated by other people’s emotions are more likely to invalidate others. People who assume that the way they experience the world is the same as others or have difficulty accepting individual differences in lived experiences are more likely to invalidate others. If you’d like to learn more about the continuum of normal emotional experiences, you can find more information here.

Miscommunication or Manipulation? Differentiating Between Emotional Invalidation and Gaslighting

Gaslighting is one of the most toxic forms of invalidation.  The American Psychological Association dictionary of psychology defines “gaslight” as “to manipulate another person into doubting their perceptions, experiences, or understanding of events.²” In other words, gaslighting is a form of intentional emotional invalidation. In recent years, this term has increased in popularity within mainstream culture. As the term has become more well-known, it is sometimes misused when a more accurate description of what is happening is invalidation. This misuse can have the unintended consequence of exacerbating, rather than resolving, interpersonal disagreements.

The key difference between gaslighting and other forms of invalidation is intention. When someone gaslights another person, they are intentionally telling that person that something that occurred in objective reality did not occur. Most often, the person engaging in gaslighting behavior is fully aware that the person is experiencing a valid thought, experience, or memory and choosing to deny that reality for some kind of personal gain. In other words, the person who is gaslighting is typically aware the other person’s experience is valid, yet they try to convince them it is not.

When someone invalidates another person, it is often unintentional. Invalidation is most often due to a person’s failure to realize that another person’s internal experiences and perspectives can differ from their own and both are equally valid. Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse. Invalidation is emotionally unhealthy and may or may not be abusive.

How Can I Validate Myself and Others?

Fortunately, validating yourself and other people is not as complicated as it may seem at first. Dr. Marsha Linehan, the creator of Dialectical Behavior Therapy, identified six levels of validation:

1) Be present (listen and make eye contact; no multitasking!);

2) Reflect what you hear them say;

3) Reflect non-verbal cues and the emotion that may be connected to those cues (e.g., saying “you seem anxious” to someone who is speaking quickly and pacing);

4) Acknowledging the person’s behavior makes sense, especially in the context of their past experiences (e.g., “It makes sense you’re nervous around dogs, since you were bitten by a dog as a child”;

5) Share how their experiences as normal (e.g., “a lot of people who were bitten as children are afraid of dogs.”); and

6) Radical Genuineness (treat them as an equal, empathize, tell them you would feel the same in that situation [if true]; e.g., “If I had been bitten by a dog as a kid, I would probably be scared of dogs, too.”)

Examples of Ways to Validate Your Own Emotions

1. Acknowledge and label what you are feeling. For example, “I feel like crying. I am feeling sad right now.”
2. Consider ways your feelings makes sense. Switch your line of thinking from “How I’m feeling doesn’t make sense” or “How I feel isn’t right” to “How does what I’m feeling make sense?” For example, “It makes sense that I’m feeling sad and hurt right now, because I didn’t get invited to the party and I really wanted to go.”
3. Tell yourself the same thing you would tell a friend, loved one, or young child in a similar situation. For example, “It really hurts to not get to do what you want. I feel sad when other people are doing fun things and I can’t go, too.” We are often much more validating of others than we are of ourselves.
4. Ask yourself what you want or need. If possible, give yourself what you need. If that is not possible, give yourself comfort. It is both valid and painful to want things you do not or cannot have.  If you are sad, you may want a hug, comforting words, or validation from others. If you want to have a fun experience, plan an outing by yourself or with those important to you.

Ways to Validate Others’ Emotions

1. Ask them how they are feeling or share your perception of how they are feeling (e.g., “you look sad”). Be open to correction if your perception is inaccurate. Remember, they are the best judge of how they are feeling.
2. Ask for more information about the situation that prompted the emotion. E.g., “What happened?” Stay open to their thoughts and feelings, even if they are different than your own.
3. Ask about their intentions, motivations, or thoughts. E.g., “Tell me more about what was going on for you when you yelled at your sister.” Avoid making assumptions or “mind reading.”
4. Normalize what makes sense to you, ask questions about what doesn’t. E.g., “Anyone would feel frustrated if they wanted to go to a party and their parents told them they couldn’t go” Or “Tell me more about why you cancelled the date with your partner.” Curiosity is the enemy of judgement.
5. Ask what they want or need. If you are willing and able, give them what they need. If you are not willing or not able to give them what they need, validate the difficulty of not getting what you want or need.

Self-Help Resources for Understanding Invalidation and Recovery

• The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook  by Kristen Neff, Ph.D. and Christopher Germer, Ph.D.
• DBT Self Help website

Need Additional Support for Validation?

If you are having trouble validating yourself or others, an experienced professional can help. Evidence-based therapies such as Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT), Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), and/or Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) can help you improve your communication and develop healthy relationships in which both you and others feel validated. Understanding and validating your emotional experiences creates the foundation for accurate, effective emotional expression, which increases the likelihood of healthy validation from others.

If you’d like help learning how to validate yourself and others, I would be happy to help. I use ACT, DBT, and CBT, as well as several scientifically proven trauma-focused therapies to help people build an accepting, validating relationship with themselves and others.

If you would like to learn more about me or are considering therapy, it may also be helpful to learn more about me, my credentials, the types of individual therapy and couple therapy I offer, or read my FAQs. To request a free consultation or schedule your first session, click here.

Please note that the information provided in this blog post is for informational purposes only and is not intended as a substitute for professional therapy or mental health treatment.

Works Cited

1. Cambridge University Press. Invalidation. Cambridge Dictionary. Accessed April 25, 2025. Available at: https://dictionary.cambridge.org/us/dictionary/english/invalidation.
2. American Psychological Association. Gaslight. APA Dictionary of Psychology. Updated November 15, 2023. Accessed April 23, 2025. Available at: https://dictionary.apa.org/gaslight.