Have you ever wondered how people can have such different reactions to the same situation? Why do some people cry at every sentimental commercial, while others remain unphased by even the most heartwarming scene or experience? Emotional experiences can vary significantly from person to person, as they are influenced by both biology and life experience. Understanding the different ways you and others experience emotions can transform your experience of the world.

Why We Feel Things Differently

Emotional experiences vary by person much like sensitivity to temperature. Some people are highly attuned to temperature, noticing even minor changes, while others barely register significant changes that would make others scramble to remove their jacket or put on a coat. Once a change is noticed, the level of discomfort a person feels also varies; some feel little to no discomfort in extreme temperatures, while others react so strongly, they experience serious health issues. After returning to a temperature-controlled environment, some people adjust quickly, while others continue feeling overheated or chilled for hours.

Another physical experience the range of emotional reactions can be compared to is the differing ways skin reacts to sun exposure. Sensitivity, reactivity, and recovery from exposure to the sun can vary drastically from person to person. Some people can be in the sun all day and not get burned, while others get burned within the first few minutes. A person’s experience of the pain associated with the same severity of sunburn and the time it takes burns to heal also vary. There is nothing inherently “wrong” with either person’s skin, experience of pain, or healing process; they are just different. Similarly, no specific emotional sensitivity, intensity, or duration of emotional experience is “right” or “wrong.” No one combination is inherently better than another; each has benefits and challenges.

Emotional Experiences Vary Across Three Key Domains:

• Sensitivity: A person’s threshold for noticing emotional shifts in themselves and others. Some people notice subtle changes (e.g., breaking eye contact, furrowed brow, small changes in tone of voice), while others only notice emotions that are explicitly stated or expressed (e.g., yelling, crying, laughing).
• Reactivity: The intensity of an emotional response. Once someone notices an emotion, their experience can range from very intense (e.g., overwhelming joy or sadness) to barely noticeable (e.g., a generally pleasant sensation or mild sense of dissatisfaction).
• Duration: The amount of time emotional experiences last. Some experience emotions fleetingly, while others can experience emotions for hours to days.

Where Do You Fall on the Continuum of Emotional Experiences?

While there is no one “right” way to experience emotions, knowing where you are on the continuums of emotional sensitivity, emotional reactivity, and duration of emotions is important for your emotional health¹. Being aware of the pros and cons of where you fall on these continuums can help you maximize associated benefits and minimize associated costs. This emotional awareness can also allow you to identify ways to create your own version of “emotional SPF.”

• Less Emotional sensitivity:
  • Pros: tend to experience more emotional stability and consistency, which can be very useful in emotionally charged situations; it takes a lot to “ruffle their feathers”
  • Cons: may miss important emotional information from self and others, may have more trouble understanding others’ emotions, important others may feel their emotions are unseen
• More emotional sensitivity:
  • Pros: may help to catch small problems early, may be more in tune with and understanding of others
  • Cons: may experience more frequent emotional distress, others who are less emotionally aware may unintentionally minimize or dismiss your emotional experiences
• Less Emotional reactivity:
  • Pros: more emotional stability, difficult emotional experiences may feel more tolerable, may lead to fewer emotionally overwhelming experiences over time
  • Cons: may have difficulty understanding the level of distress others with more emotional reactivity experience, others may misinterpret their calmness as indifference or “not caring”
• More Emotional reactivity:
  • Pros: Intense emotions may serve as powerful motivators for change, positive emotions may feel particularly rewarding.
  • Cons: difficult emotions may be more distressing, potential for those who experience emotions more mildly may see their emotional reactions as an overreaction, “too much,” or “dramatic”
• Emotions resolve quickly:
  • Pros: may result in less time experiencing emotional distress, difficult emotions may feel more tolerable as they are experienced more briefly, may experience more time feeling emotionally calm in between emotional events
  • Cons: Positive emotions may fade quickly, and there may be less drive to prevent future emotional discomfort if it tends to pass quickly, may make experience frustration or confusion about why others continue to feel upset long after a situation has passed.
• Emotions linger:
  • Pros: lingering emotions may help sustain motivation to address or resolve issues leading to difficult emotions and repeat situations and behavior leading to positive emotions, positive emotions may last longer
  • Cons: the pain of difficult emotions may take longer to resolve; others who are not aware of the full continuum of emotional experiences may misperceive lingering difficult emotions as intentional “holding on” to those emotions

So, What Do I Do About It?

Understanding your emotional predispositions is only the first step to improving your emotional health. The good news is that just as we can implement various strategies to regulate our temperature and prepare for and respond to the consequences of sun exposure or temperature variations, we can also take steps to care for our emotional wellbeing and increase our emotional resilience.

Examples of “Emotional SPF”

• Engage in pleasant or meaningful activities before situations that may be emotionally challenging or painful
• Check in with yourself regularly, especially during emotionally intense interactions or periods of stress
• Create a consistent routine that supports both your physical and emotional health. This might include:
• Gentle or enjoyable movement, such as walking, stretching, or dancing- anything that feels good for you
• Eating regular, balanced meals to support mood stability
• Keeping a regular sleep schedule
• Making time for social connections with people you care about
• Actively participating in activities that reflect your values or personal goals
• Allowing space for enjoyable activities like hobbies, self-care rituals (e.g., taking a bath, getting a haircut, listening to music), or doing something “just for fun”

Examples of Activities that Soothe Emotional Pain

• Taking a hot or cold shower
• Moving your body with intense or rhythmic exercise
• Listening to music that reflects or shifts your mood
• Talking to a trusted friend or loved one
• Taking a walk, especially in nature or a calming environment
• Watching funny, uplifting, or inspirational videos
• Sipping a hot or cold beverage mindfully
• Applying scented or unscented lotion to connect with and soothe your body
• Lighting a scented candle or spray a calming scent
• Practicing deep breathing or grounding exercises
• Cooking or mindfully consuming something nourishing or comforting
• Trying a mindfulness exercise or simple meditation
• Praying or do a ritual to connect with the higher power
• Journaling or record a voice memo about your feelings
• Engaging in creative expression (e.g., painting, drawing, photography, crafting, writing)
• Spending time in a garden or with plants
• Mindfully play with or pet an animal
• Sitting or standing outside
• Tackling a small task on your ‘to do’ list
• Engaging in something meaningful to you

Getting Help Understanding and Validating Emotional Experiences

Many self-help resources to increase emotional health are available (see below for a few suggestions). A therapist can also help you formulate your own version of “emotional SPF.” A psychotherapist trained in evidence-based treatments such as Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT), Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), or Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) can help you reconnect with and understand your emotions, as well as identify where you fall on the continuums of emotional sensitivity, reactivity, and duration of emotional experiences.

Gaining a better understanding of your emotional experiences can help you gain confidence in the validity of those experiences. This knowledge can be used to increase your understanding of and confidence in yourself, as well as identify ways to act in line with your values to build a life worth living. Understanding and acceptance of emotional experiences increases the likelihood of healthy relationships with others^1,2 and life satisfaction^1,3. If you have experienced repeated or chronic invalidation, you may find my post on chronic invalidation helpful (here).

Self-Help Resources for Increasing Emotional Insights and Wellbeing

• Dialectical Behavior Therapy Self-Help Skills
  • Videos Created by the DBT program at Rutger’s University https://www.youtube.com/dbtru
  • Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook https://www.newharbinger.com/9781684034581/the-dialectical-behavior-therapy-skills-workbook/
• The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook  by Kristen Neff, Ph.D. and Christopher Germer, Ph.D. https://self-compassion.org/books-by-kristin-neff/Works Cited
• Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life by Stephen Hayes, Ph.D. https://www.abct.org/books/get-out-of-your-mind-and-into-your-life-a-new-acceptance-and-commitment-therapy/

Not sure where to start?

If you’d like compassionate support as you explore your emotional patterns and develop tools to navigate them more effectively, I would be honored to help. Together, we can build greater understanding, acceptance, and satisfaction with your emotional life.

If you would like to learn more about me or are considering therapy, it may also be helpful to learn more about me, my credentials, the types of individual therapy and couple therapy I offer, or read my FAQs. To request a free consultation or schedule your first session, click here.

Please note that the information provided in this blog post is for informational purposes only and is not intended as a substitute for professional therapy or mental health treatment.

Works Cited

1. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. About Emotional Well-Being. CDC. Published May 15, 2024. Accessed May 2, 2025. https://www.cdc.gov/emotional-well-being/about/index.html
2. Lopes PN, Salovey P, Straus R. Emotional intelligence, personality, and the perceived quality of social relationships. Personality and Individual Differences. 2003;35(3):641-658. doi:10.1016/S0191-8869(02)00242-8
3. Hartanto H, Helmi AF. Meta-analysis of the correlation between emotional intelligence and life satisfaction. Anatolian Journal of Education. 2021;6(2):63-74. doi:10.1315626.