Do you and your partner have the same fight over and over? Do you have trouble understanding each other, despite both trying your best to find middle ground? Communication problems are very common in close relationships because each of us has our own biology, personality, preferences, and past experiences.  The closer the relationship, the more likely these individual differences will lead to disagreements which, if unresolved, can result in a couple getting stuck in what can seem like a never-ending loop of disagreements. If communication problems have been happening for a long time, it can feel almost impossible to cross the emotional distance and repair the relationship.

Differences May Require Compromise

The more differences between partners, the more potential points of disagreement and opportunities for miscommunication exist. For example, if a couple wants to spend quality time together and one person’s ideal weekend is spent engaging in outdoor activities and their partner’s ideal weekend consists of indoor activities, this can cause conflict each time weekend activities are discussed. Each area of difference requires both partners to practice both acceptance of the difference and often also requires willingness to find middle ground when the difference is contributing to relationship problems.

Similarities May Require Growth

On the other hand, too many similarities between partners can lead to a lack of excitement or problems in areas in which neither partner has a strength. For example, if both partners enjoy frequent travel extensively and neither is interested in financial planning, mounting travel expenses may lead to financial difficulties causing relationship problems. If partners have many similarities, both may need to develop new skills for the benefit of the relationship.

The most successful relationships have a balance of similarities and differences. This allows a couple to connect in some areas and compensate for each other’s weaknesses in others. As a result, the couple can form a team that is stronger and more resilient than either partner alone. To gain a different perspective on your relationship, consider you and your partner’s similarities and differences. As you are answering these questions, notice any places in which you and your partner differ. Consider how these similarities and differences strengthen your emotional connection or contribute to relationship problems.

Assessing the Contribution of Individual Differences to Relationship Problems: Questions to Consider

• How do you like to spend your free time? Some people enjoy many activities outside the home, while others enjoy spending most of their time at home.
• How much time does each of you enjoy spending around other people? Some people’s motto is “the more the merrier,” while others prefer smaller, more intimate gatherings.
• How much time do you like to spend together vs. independently? Some people want to spend most of their free time together, while others prefer to spend some time by themselves.
• Do you experience emotions similarly or differently? Some people are very attuned to their own and others’ emotions. Other people are less aware of their own and others’ emotions. Some experience emotions as intense, others experience emotion as mild. (For more information on this topic, click here).
• How do you each prefer to resolve disagreements? Some people need time to process their thoughts and feelings, while others prefer to discuss concerns until they are resolved.

The Role of Personal History in Relationship Problems

Relationships we observed growing up in combination with our own romantic relationship experiences shape our relationship expectations. Some people seek to replicate the relationship dynamics they observed during childhood, while others try to create the opposite.

For example, if you grow up in a supportive household in which one parent contributed financially and the other contributed by managing the home responsibilities, you may expect yourself and your partner to be satisfied with the same roles and responsibilities. If either you or your partner do not find these roles acceptable, this expectation can contribute to relationship problems. If you grew up witnessing disagreements frequently escalate into intense fighting, you may try to avoid them in relationships due to fear it will escalate. Being able to express and talk through disagreements is a foundational relationship skill for long-term relationships. Not having a way to resolve disagreements that works for both partners can contribute to relationship problems.

When we experience disappointments and even betrayals in close relationships, the pain of that experience often triggers a strong desire to avoid that pain again. Attempts to avoid relationship pain can get in the way of building healthy close relationships with current or future partners. (For more on common responses to traumatic experiences, see my post on recovering from traumatic experiences).

Assessing the Contribution of Life Stressors to Relationship Problems: Questions to Consider

• How do the examples of romantic relationships you saw during childhood impact your relationship expectations? Consider gender roles, generational differences, spiritual beliefs, financial support, lifestyle, and culture.
• How do your past romantic relationship experiences impact your relationship expectations? For example, if someone’s past partners were dishonest, they may be concerned their current partner will also be untruthful. If someone has felt misunderstood by past partners, they may worry about being misunderstood by their current partner.

External Stressors: Acknowledging your vulnerabilities

How we feel as individuals impacts how we act within close relationships. External stress is often unavoidable. How our day, week, or even year is going impacts us. Physical and emotional stress can disrupt your sleep, appetite, and mood, leading to a whole host of biological and emotional imbalances. For example, if you slept poorly and had a stressful day at work, you would arrive home with a very different tolerance for additional stress than if you spent the day relaxing or engaging in an enjoyable activity with friends or family.

Assessing the Contribution of External Stressors to Relationship Problems: Questions to Consider

• What stressors are you or your partner experiencing outside the relationship? Common domains are work, health problems, parenting, finances, family of origin (e.g., parents, siblings, extended family).

Identifying your individual differences, the impact of your upbringing and relationship history, and the role your external stressors have on your problematic pattern of interaction is the first step in changing the pattern from one that pushes you apart to one that brings you together.

For some couples, identifying and accepting individual differences and being aware of our own and our partner’s personal history with relationships, as well as how their stress responses impact the relationship is enough to change the pattern. For others, it can be challenging to see the pattern when you are a part of it. Sometimes one or both partners can see a pattern, but seeing and interrupting a problematic pattern of interaction are two very different things.

Self-help Resources

This way of conceptualizing relationship problems is the foundation of Integrative Behavioral Couple Therapy (IBCT). IBCT is a scientifically proven couple therapy developed by Dr. Andrew Christensen and Dr. Neil S. Jacobson. You may also find the resources below helpful.

• “Reconcilable Differences” by Andrew Christensen, PhD, Brian Doss, PhD, and Neil S. Jacobson, PhD
• Couples Coach App
• Free and paid couple-focused self-help materials

Need More Help?

I would be happy to help you break the pattern of ineffective communication you are in with your partner. Together, we can find a way for you to regain emotional closeness and enjoyment in your relationship. I have many years of experience helping couples resolve problematic patterns of interaction and have a more fulfilling relationship.

If you would like to learn more about me or are considering therapy, it may also be helpful to learn more about me, my credentials, the types of individual therapy and couple therapy I offer, or read my FAQs.

Please note that the information provided in this blog post is for informational purposes only. This information is not as a substitute for professional therapy or mental health treatment.