A lot of human conflict and psychological pain originates from attempts to control internal experiences. Much of this psychological suffering arises because we are directly and indirectly taught inaccurate information about how much control we have over our internal experiences. To clarify: what we can control is our behavior—what we say and do. What we cannot control are our initial thoughts, feelings, and emotional reactions. Allow me to explain.

The Controllable

From a young age, we have all been changing our behavior in response to internal and external feedback. If something we do causes pain, we are less likely to do it again. If something we do feels good, we’re more likely to repeat it. Behaviorists refer to this process as “shaping¹.”

This tendency to do more of what is enjoyable and less of what is painful applies to social interactions as well. If we make a joke and get a smile or a laugh, we are more likely to make a joke again. If we make a joke and are ignored or punished by others, we are less likely to make a joke again. This continues throughout our lives: the more what we say or do is punished, the less we do it. The more what we say or do is rewarded, the more likely we are to do or say those things again.

What We Can’t (Directly) Control

Emotions and thoughts work a little differently than behavior. Our initial emotional and cognitive responses are more like reflexes than conscious behaviors. If someone criticizes us, we don’t choose to feel hurt, we just feel hurt. If someone gives us good news, we don’t decide to feel happiness or joy, we just feel happiness or joy. We do not control or consciously choose the emotions we feel or the intensity at which we feel them. We also do not choose or directly control the thoughts that come into our minds. Thoughts generally occur spontaneously or in response to internal or external triggers.

Back to What We Can Control

While we cannot control our initial thoughts or feelings, we can choose what to do next. We can choose cognitive and physical behaviors that reduce or increase the intensity and frequency of similar thoughts and feelings. We decide whether to believe our thoughts. We determine whether or not to continue thinking about a certain topic or focus our attention elsewhere. We can distract ourselves with stimulating activities, such as exercising, taking a hot shower, or listening to music. Many behaviors can impact the direction of our thoughts, but none can completely prevent specific thoughts from occurring at all.

Origins of the Myth of Complete Cognitive and  Emotional Control

The fact that behavior is under our control and initial emotional reactions, thoughts, and feelings are not is challenging for most people to accept. Why? As early as we understand language, we receive communications that suggest, directly or indirectly, that we should have control over these experiences.

Common Phrases That Suggest Emotional Control

Children are often told to “calm down” or “don’t be sad” when they express emotional distress. Many are told “there’s no reason to be upset,” or “you’re okay” by people who don’t understand or disagree with their emotional response. Even throughout adulthood, it is common for people who express negative thoughts or emotions to be told to “think positive” or “just don’t think about it.”

While the people communicating these messages often have good intentions, these phrases suggest that our emotions, thoughts, and feelings are within our control and thoughts and feelings can be stopped at will. Psychological research has shown, time and time again, that this is not the case for anyone². None of us are not in control of our initial cognitive or emotional reactions to internal and external experiences.

Some of these common phrases also suggest that we cannot trust our internal emotional experiences or that our emotions do not make sense. For example, if a child is told “you’re okay,” when their internal experiences feel uncomfortable or even painful, they may learn to distrust or ignore internal experiences in the future. No one knows whether or not another person is “okay” because they do not have access to their internal experiences. (For more about the impacts of these experiences, see my posts on invalidation and chronic invalidation.)

The Impact of Language Suggesting We Have Control of Thoughts and Feelings

Repeated statements throughout our lifetime that imply we should be in direct control our thoughts and emotional experiences lead many of us to seek a level of emotional and cognitive control that is impossible to achieve. Not only do attempts to completely control our thoughts not work, they can have the paradoxical effect of making those thoughts increase in frequency³.  This experience can also lead us to believe that our emotional and cognitive experiences are abnormal or different than others when that is most often not the case.

Why Do Other People Seem to Have Complete Control?

So why does it seem like some people have total control over their emotional experiences? The answer goes back to what we can control; behavior. While we cannot control how we feel when something bad happens, we can control how we express that emotion. We can prevent ourselves from sharing our feelings with others. Some people can also suppress most outward expressions of emotion, such as crying or frowning. The more severe the punishment for expressing emotion, the more likely a person will be to develop strategies to suppress behavioral expressions of emotion. Often, this includes attempts to suppress experience of the emotions themselves, as well.

Why is Emotional Suppression So Bad?

While it is important to learn to behaviorally adjust our emotional expressions to the setting we are in (we cannot stamp our feet and yell “No!” every time our boss gives us an undesirable work task), it is important that the suppression is limited to the emotion-driven behavior (e.g., yelling) and not the emotion itself (e.g., frustration). Suppression of emotions disconnects us from other people⁴ and from the important information emotions provide to ourselves and others. Chronic emotional suppression can lead to a life of muted emotional experiences and social disconnection.

The Importance of Emotions

The thoughts and situations that trigger emotional experiences tell us a lot about what is important to us. They tell us what we should do more and what to do less. Painful and enjoyable emotions help shape our behavior to take us toward a life worth living. If we are not in touch with emotions, we lose the information that serves as a roadmap for a fulfilling life. Emotional expressions also shape the behavior of others around us, allowing us to experience emotional connection and validation from others.

Research shows that the people who are the most skilled at managing their emotion-driven behavior are those that accept their emotions and engage cognitive and behavioral strategies to regulate their emotional experiences in healthy ways². While some people learn these skills from caregivers, teachers, or friends during childhood and adolescence, others do not have that opportunity and need to learn how to respond to emotions in healthy ways as adults.

Not sure where to start?

It can be challenging to give up attempts to control thoughts, feelings, and emotions, even if you know it’s more effective to do so. If you are ready to reconnect with your emotions, but aren’t sure where to start, I would be happy to help. Together we will develop a scientifically-supported plan to improve your emotional acceptance and overall wellbeing.

If you would like to learn more about me or are considering therapy, it may also be helpful to learn more about me, my credentials, the types of individual therapy and couple therapy I offer, or read my FAQs. To request a free consultation or schedule your first session, click here.

Please note that the information provided in this blog post is for informational purposes only. This information is not a substitute for professional therapy or mental health treatment.

Works Cited

1. Shaping. APA Dictionary of Psychology. Published online. https://dictionary.apa.org/shaping. Accessed April 12, 2025.
2. Webb TL, Miles E, Sheeran P. Dealing with feeling: A meta-analysis of the effectiveness of strategies derived from the process model of emotion regulation. Psychological Bulletin. 2012;138(4):775-808. doi:10.1037/a0027600.
3. Abramowitz JS, Tolin DF, Street GP. Paradoxical effects of thought suppression: A meta-analysis of controlled studies. Clinical Psychology Review. 2001;21(5):683-703. doi:10.1016/S0272-7358(00)00057-X.
4. Chervonsky, E., & Hunt, C. (2017). Suppression and expression of emotion in social and interpersonal outcomes: A meta-analysis. Emotion, 17(4), 669–683. https://doi.org/10.1037/emo0000270